Seductio ad Absurdum

After reading von Clausewitz’s statement that “war is a mere continuation of politics by other means,” Algernon Swift’s rakish brother, Archibald, determines to try his hand at making love by other means. He calls on the virtuous Tilly and extravagantly compliments the furnishings of her sitting room. “How beautifully your curtains hang!” he exclaims. “How delicate your doilies and anti-macassars!” Tilly is unmoved. Archibald reaches boldly forward and gives the upholstered arm of an armchair a squeeze. Tilly blushes. Seizing the moment, Archibald opens his violin case and starts to play. “A skilled violinist can play the violin like it is a violin,” he mutters suavely. Tilly collapses on the floor, a trembling wreck, and holds on for dear life to the standard lamp.

Great Lengths

After his adventures among the pretentious parallelograms, the insinuating squares and the tricksy triangles, Leon finds himself in a land where the only inhabitants are Lines. Here he feels at home right away: there’s no side to any of them.

(With apologies to Edwin A Abbott’s Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions.)

Mavis Complains ...

That feller I was telling you about, no, not him, the one who night after night plays to full houses at the Palladium doing his stand-up routine, yes, him, well, it was all right between us in the early days, but then he started to get a bit funny.

No Hoper, No Shopper

While you were boring all around you with your exhausting bonhomie, a terrible anomie has descended on Clive. It extends even to getting the shopping. In the grocery aisle, Leon asks him “Did you write down what we need?” “No,” he replies listlessly.

Two Squares

While you were talking about Fermat with a lady on the bus, Leon and Clive have both made busts of the great mathematician for the village sculpture competition. Clive feels that his expressive maquette has caught something of the character of the man, but Leon is having none of it. “Mine is a hundred times better,” he says in a calculated insult.

Stoppage no more

Algernon Swift, tired of reading insufficiently punctuated writing, invents a machine that pumps punctuation into a text. Experimentally, he sets the machine to (:) and applies it to Rebecca:

Last night: I dreamt: I went to Manderley again: It seemed to me: I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive: and for a while I could not enter: for the way was barred to me: there was a padlock and a chain upon the gate.

The result is as uncomfortable as you would expect from colonic irrigation.

(But worse is to come when Swift, turning the colon dial through ninety degrees, gets chronic diaeresis.)

Dashed Peculiar

In a second hand bookshop in Teignmouth, Algernon Swift discovers a rare nineteenth century novel, and is immediately engrossed. (However, further research into its author draws a blank.)

It was in September in the year 18— that I found myself on the road to B------, in the county of D-----. As night was drawing in, I asked a ruddy-faced man how far on my way I had yet to go before I reached my goal.
“B------!” he exclaimed. “Don’t go to B------! D—---n b---------d place! You’re better off going to H-------.”
“H-------?” I queried. “Why not B-------?”
“D----n me, you can go to the d-------l, for all I care! But B------! It’s a b---------d awful place. The men are b----------------s, the women are b-------------s, and their children are the biggest b---------d bunch of d---------d imbeciles you’ve ever seen.”
I asked him on what he based his information.
“Why, man, I have lived there since 18--! Or was it 18--? D--—n my eyes, I can’t b--------d remember! And why do I stay? Because I’m the d----n b---------d village b---------d school teacher, b-------t it!”
“---------------,” I said. I was lost for words.
My new acquaintance now fell in beside me, and clearly intended to accompany me all the way to B-----. I, however, was much affrighted by his manner and, when the first opportunity presented, made a -------- for it.

Mavis Complains ...

That feller I was telling you about, yes, you know, him, well, his latest new “friend” is a female superhero. She’s strong enough to lift up a mountain, she can run as fast as a train and, to hear her talk, she can even fly through the air. Impossible woman.

No Rest

Algernon Swift, on returning to his native country, is appalled to discover the mishandling of the funeral arrangements for his beloved mother. Not only has she been buried in the wrong plot, but the memorial that has been erected to her is completely inappropriate. He writes a stern email to the undertaker, and puts as the subject:

Grave Mistake, Monumental Error.

__________

(However, when Swift discovers that a Methodist minister conducted the funeral service and not a priest of Rome, it is easy enough for him to imagine how that happened.)

Mavis Complains ...

That feller I was telling you about, yes, that one, I said to him, “You never splash out on me. You never treat me like a lady,” and I told him all about when I was with the Crown Prince of Monaco and the good times we had. “Good times?” he says, “I’ll show you a good time,” and he tells me to put on my coat and we walk down the High Street and peer in at the window of The Greyhound and look at all the people in there, drinking and enjoying themselves. And that’s it.